Reflections & Judgments

Current mood:satisfied

Every now and then, I like to go back through my old blogs.  I often examine where I was at that point, bringing to memory what I was feeling when I wrote it.  It's crazy to me that I've been writing one blog every month for 2 1/2 years now!  This morning I was reading some of my oldest blogs...  The first one was written in August of 2006!!!  I remember what I was feeling in that time...  I was at a breaking point, and didn't even know it...  I was about to make the biggest decision of my LIFE up to that point, I was so lost, I was coming to terms with being "broken".  It's funny, though, cause even though I remember what I was feeling at that point in my life, I don't even KNOW that girl anymore...

Reflecting on my past can often look like "Judgment Time" for me.  I like to compare the score...  When does that type of behavior go from constructive to injurious?  This has proven to be a hard line for me to decipher...  When to be harder on myself, and when to be easier on myself??  I'm pretty sure that will be a question for the ages...

Sometimes the judgments are just total ego trips...  Comparing the materialistic things in my life...  If I were to simply compare the sentimental value, the spiritual value, the happiness factor, I would surely ALWAYS find more in today than I could in the past...  But...  How do I trick my thought process to switch from what it's always been?  How do I change YEARS of practice of bad behaviors?  Fake it till I make it??  I guess that's what it'll have to be...

Quick wedding update (I won't ramble ):  98 days and counting...  Things are coming together FAST right now.  Feels like everything I've been doing for the past YEAR is coming to a head.  If there's one thing that I could suggest/encourage any couple, it's to have a LONG engagement...  I'm serious...  I am aware that I bitch and moan that it's not getting here fast enough...  My reasoning for encouraging this is that by the time I actually GET MARRIED, I'll be MORE than ready...  Of course there will be (I'm sure...) little pings of fleeting fear here and there.  I think if I didn't have a healthy amount of fear, I wouldn't be taking this seriously.  I'm marrying this man forever...  FOREVER folks...  I take THAT very serious.  I'm not just marrying him till it's not "perfect" any more.  I'm not just marrying him till something better comes along (although I'm CONVINCED there's no one better for me...)  I'm marrying him forever...  Period...  If I'm not a TID bit nervous about that, I shouldn't walk down the aisle.  Healthy fear...  Yep, that's what it is!  Anyway, I guess I DID ramble, my bad 

Till next month!