So Not A Blogger...

I jumped on Blogger today after reading a friend's post & realized I haven't written anything in 9 months!!!  I'm so not a blogger I suppose haha!  I much more prefer the quick idea bursts that Facebook allots me...  But here I am, so I guess I'll share a little bit about what's been happening.

In June my grandmother was able to sell her house in Brenham & move in with us.  It has been a transition for sure, but one I'm really grateful for.  When she first moved in, we were living in a 1200 sq ft, 3 bedroom house - things were cramped!  So we decided to start looking for a new place to live.  We spent most of the month looking for another rent house, but we kept getting denied time after time.  One night I was talking to our realtor & just threw it out there that maybe we should look at buying a house.  24 hours after that spark of an idea, we were pre-approved with a lender, found the house we wanted, and had put down earnest money! It's amazing how quickly things went...  At the end of July we purchased our first home :)

We moved in on July 20th & (because I'm crazy) on August 12th we had Kaelynn's 1st birthday party here! It sure got my butt in gear with unpacking, but I seriously felt like an insane woman haha.  We had such an amazing turn out from our friends and family.  Kaelynn got lots of good stuff & it was awesome to have a place to accommodate everyone who wanted to come!

Let's get dressed!

Dressed & ready to go

Happy Birthday Baby!

Cake, glorious cake!!

 Things have been great for us in 2012.  Up, down, around & through, we didn't miss our share of tough times, but in the end it has been an amazing journey.  Having my baby be healthy & happy, my husband being loving & supporting...these are the things that win out in the end!  Even though I'm not the best at blogging, I really hope I can start being more dedicated.  I honestly don't want to have to refer to Facebook when I'm old to see what my life was about!!!

Till next time : )

SAHMs Deserve PTO :-)

Yesterday I really wished I could have called in sick...  Kaelynn has been fighting something (teething, ear infection, cold, who knows...) all week.  Any mom whose been lucky enough to make it to this dreaded stage knows the sleepless week I have had!  To top it all off, mold decided to crawl up into my sinus passages & take over my entire head...  I really wanted to call in sick & lay in bed all day.

BUT...that's the thing about being a Stay At Home Mom...we simply do not get Paid Time Off.  When I worked in the corporate world, I earned exactly 4.52 hours of PTO every two weeks.  Kaelynn is now 26 weeks old.  By my calculations this should be 54.24 hours of PTO I have earned since she was born...  When, oh when, do I get to cash in?!

Okay, okay, this blog is sounding like I'm just whining, so let me take a moment to point some of the things I love about my new "job".  I love being able to go to lunch with fellow mommies on a whim.  I love being able to stay in my pajamas if I'm not having to go out.  I love snuggle sessions with the baby & our two beagles.  Yes, I love many things about this job, but my absolute favorite perk to staying home is witnessing every single milestone my daughter achieves...  There's simply nothing better!

Okay, so I don't have it too bad...but I still think we SAHMs deserve some earned vacation time every once in a while :-)

How does one begin to blog??

I have always been one of those people that have DREAMED of blogging, but I just never have really known how to start!  I guess I could start by telling a little about how I have arrived at today...

2006 was not one of the better years of my life - in a leap of faith I packed all my belongings into a Budget truck rental & moved 2,000 miles across the country from Idaho to Austin, Texas!  It was great to be back where my roots began & be home with my family. 

6 months after the move I met my prince charming :)  I didn't feel like I was in a place to start a relationship so I tried to keep him at bay...  When he asked me out, I had to tell him I wasn't ready to start dating anyone.  We proceeded to spend a month "pretending we weren't in a relationship", but it gave us a beautiful opportunity to build a real friendship.  On May 15th, 2009 we were married at a beautiful park here in Austin.  It was 2 years to the day from the first time Clay asked me out!

In the summer of 2010, we decided we wanted to to expand our family & right before Christmas we found out that we were going to get our wish!  On August 12, 2011, my heart exploded in ways I didn't know was possible when I became a mother to the most beautiful girl I had ever seen... 

Kaelynn Andee Halliburton, 7 pounds, 15 ounces, 20 3/4 inches long arrived at 6:20 pm.

My life has dramatically changed over the last few years.  I am now in some uncharted territory.  For the first time since I was 15 I do not have a paying job.  When Kaelynn was 6 weeks old I was laid off from my job.  I had worked there for almost 5 years, but with the recession my position had been outsourced to Romainia while I was on maternity leave.  Technically I could have fought against FMLA laws, but I honestly felt like God was in the middle of all of it.  I am now a full-time stay-at-home-mother & I honestly love it!!!

I never knew I could be as happy today as I am...  I never knew that the life I live today was possible...  I am so happy that I wasn't really allowed to pick out my life - I would have sold myself so very short!  I am looking forward to getting on the blog-wagon & hopefully will be able to have lots more to write about soon!!

Things I've Learned, In No Particular Order...

Well...  I have certainly been a BUSY girl these last couple of months...  I can't believe it's April already!  March just came and went, and I'm suspecting that April is about to do the same...  I could write a blog on the things going on in my life, but that can pretty much be summed up in a few sentences: 1. I'm getting married NEXT MONTH and have been frantically pulling everything together for it, 2. I'm staying sober one day at a time, and doing the thing necessary to achieve that - I go to meetings, I meet new women, I pray my butt off, I talk with a sponsor, I go to conferences, etc., 3. I'm getting geared up to run in a 5k marathon that benefits alcoholics and addicts with scholarships to go back to college.

There, my life is summed up...  Now, what I would like to write about is the things I've learned, along with a little tribute to some of the ones who taught me:

* TRUE friendship never dies...  It may lay dormant for a period of time, but it's those friends that you can go a month without talking to, and upon finally exchanging words again, you realize nothing has changed, everything just picks right back up...  THOSE are the kind of friendships I have these days...

* Patience is not something I can master...  Biting my tongue is...

* Forgiveness is remembrance without the pain... (Totally stole that one from W2W)

* My family is crazy, but they're mine, not yours.  

* Amber moving to Atlanta hurt a lot more than I thought it would.  I didn't realize how much I had truly leaned on her until she was gone.  However, she has always been/always will be a true inspiration in my life, and I simply can not WAIT till I get to see her again 

* Calamity is anything that I've decided can NOT be happening to me...  It can be as big as a loved one dying, or the cable going out at home...  (Eh... stole that from Lakeside)

* The thought of doing a 5K is a little more than intimidating to me, but I'm walking through it regardless.  

* My dogs can melt my heart in an instant...

* I love coffee...

* Women are not the enemy, and they're not really all that scary...  Well... SOME of them are... But really, what are they going to do??  Beat me up and steal my lunch money?!

* Though I may not see her often, Alex would do absolutely anything for me...  As I would for her...  

* I'm actually pretty smart!  Sometimes my head won't compute everything as fast as I would like, which leads to frustration, but when that light goes off and everything seems to slide into place...  It's a feeling that can DEFINITELY surpass getting high.

* Being smart does not give me the right to berate others...  However, I find myself doing that often...  Another practice in biting my tongue. 

* I have a maternal instinct.  Even though I want to deny it, it's obviously there.  I get protective of my friends, the ones I hold dear to my heart.  I'm like a momma bear, ready to strike at anyone that threatens them.  Where the hell did that come from?!?!?!

* Having a friend like Angela is nothing short of a pure blessing...  Angela was one of the VERY few who loved me at those times when I was unlovable...

* Planning a wedding is consuming...

* I am not perfect

* It is not God's fault that my father and my grandfather have passed on.  It is a part of the cycle.  I simply don't like that answer, but accepting it isn't contingent on liking it.

* My grandmother is quite possibly one of the strongest people I know...

* Having a relationship with my sister was something I desired my entire life.  I didn't realize that until I finally got it...

* God doesn't exactly work in mysterious ways, He works in His own way...  And it's not my job to figure out His plan.

* I'm always OKAY.  Period.

* Having a party thrown in your honor is just about one of the COOLEST things that can happen to you.  

* I have a lot of people I call my "best-friend"  Each of them has been a pivotal point in my life, in the experiences that I walk through.  While they are all my friends throughout all the experiences, I end up having one or two of them that TRULY hold my hand.  It's actually pretty neat!!

* Not naming all my friends in this blog makes me feel a little guilty, so, to those that KNOW they are close in my heart, I must ask you to be okay with just that.  There's not enough time, or space, for me to listed each of y'all individually... 

* My actions in my friendships speak louder than my words...

* The ability to state "I don't care what the scale says, that I just want to look in the mirror and love what I'm seeing," is purely liberating...  

* Working out can be addicting 

* Of all my best-friends, there's one that takes the cake.  My fiance, Clay.  I sometimes forget that we are friends as well as lovers.  I sometimes get stuck on fixing our "relationship" and forget that there's a friendship there as well...  Communication is key to our growth.  He knows my quirks, I know his.  The fact that we're both still around is pretty much amazing haha!  To marry my best-friend is a childhood fantasy...  He really is my prince charming.

* Being "friends" with my mother is something I've done my whole life...  Being a DAUGHTER to my mother is a new development.  I hope I can continue to stay open to that...

* Humility comes in all shapes and sizes...

* I love Minesweeper

* I'm naturally lazy

* Going back to school intimidates the SHIT out of me.  SO...  I pray for courage...

* Changing my name to Halliburton does not mean I am no longer a Knox...

* I despise being called Kimmie -- another practice in biting my tongue...

* Kissing Clay is one of my very favorite pass times...

* I love to cook, but I don't love to cook every night!

* American Idol is a new obsession of mine

* After finding an old journal of mine (I started it when my father was in the hospital...) I've realized I haven't changed as much as I thought I would have...

* Being happy doesn't mean I have everything, simply means that everything I have is worth having...


I'm pretty sure that I'm getting paid right now, which means I'm really pretty sure they want me to work   Thanks, as always, for reading the crazy ramblings of my mind...  Catch ya next month!

Reflections & Judgments

Current mood:satisfied

Every now and then, I like to go back through my old blogs.  I often examine where I was at that point, bringing to memory what I was feeling when I wrote it.  It's crazy to me that I've been writing one blog every month for 2 1/2 years now!  This morning I was reading some of my oldest blogs...  The first one was written in August of 2006!!!  I remember what I was feeling in that time...  I was at a breaking point, and didn't even know it...  I was about to make the biggest decision of my LIFE up to that point, I was so lost, I was coming to terms with being "broken".  It's funny, though, cause even though I remember what I was feeling at that point in my life, I don't even KNOW that girl anymore...

Reflecting on my past can often look like "Judgment Time" for me.  I like to compare the score...  When does that type of behavior go from constructive to injurious?  This has proven to be a hard line for me to decipher...  When to be harder on myself, and when to be easier on myself??  I'm pretty sure that will be a question for the ages...

Sometimes the judgments are just total ego trips...  Comparing the materialistic things in my life...  If I were to simply compare the sentimental value, the spiritual value, the happiness factor, I would surely ALWAYS find more in today than I could in the past...  But...  How do I trick my thought process to switch from what it's always been?  How do I change YEARS of practice of bad behaviors?  Fake it till I make it??  I guess that's what it'll have to be...

Quick wedding update (I won't ramble ):  98 days and counting...  Things are coming together FAST right now.  Feels like everything I've been doing for the past YEAR is coming to a head.  If there's one thing that I could suggest/encourage any couple, it's to have a LONG engagement...  I'm serious...  I am aware that I bitch and moan that it's not getting here fast enough...  My reasoning for encouraging this is that by the time I actually GET MARRIED, I'll be MORE than ready...  Of course there will be (I'm sure...) little pings of fleeting fear here and there.  I think if I didn't have a healthy amount of fear, I wouldn't be taking this seriously.  I'm marrying this man forever...  FOREVER folks...  I take THAT very serious.  I'm not just marrying him till it's not "perfect" any more.  I'm not just marrying him till something better comes along (although I'm CONVINCED there's no one better for me...)  I'm marrying him forever...  Period...  If I'm not a TID bit nervous about that, I shouldn't walk down the aisle.  Healthy fear...  Yep, that's what it is!  Anyway, I guess I DID ramble, my bad 

Till next month!

4 Months & Counting!!!

Current mood:content

It's hard to believe that in 4 short months, I'll be a married woman.  I'm sure y'all are VERY sick of hearing about this at this point -- CLAY is very sick of hearing about it haha!  Poor guy just wants to hurry up and be my husband already...  Alas, today is the "4 months away" mark and I'm so giddy!!!

On another subject...  I'm DEFINITELY in a better place than my December blog.  Christmas came and went, just like it does every year.  There were moments of sadness, but more moments of joy.  I think that's what counts, right?  My grandmother is still hanging in there.  She puts up a pretty good front, but she's basically a broken woman at this point.  Clay and I have decided to have my mother and my grandmother walk me down the aisle in the absence and honor of my father and my grandfather.  How lucky can I be to be able to have that in my life?!

Christmas Day marked 2 years of sobriety for me!!!  I picked up my chip the following night, and had my grandmother, my mother, my fiance, my future mother-in-law and her boyfriend all there to support me.  Along with a host of friends that I've made in the rooms.  I was sooooo nervous though!  Every time I even TOUCHED the podium the microphone would start bouncing up and down...  You see, last year, Clay proposed right before I got up there to pick up my 1 year chip.  That TOTALLY calmed my nerves...  BUT I made it through nonetheless!

One of my very best-friends decided to up and leave me last month   She moved to Atlanta, GA and I miss her like CRAZY.  I know she's there for a reason, and that it's a gooooood move for her.  But I'm selfish, and I want her here...  Although no one can replace her (or even come close) I've been able to draw closer to the other women in the program.  I never though I would need or even really WANT a host of women to rely upon.  But they truly are my support net when my ass is falling off (and even when it's not!).  

New Year's Resolutions:  
1.)  Workout at least 4 times a week, 1 of those days being in our backyard
2.)  Dive even deeper into the program, strengthen my connection
3.)  Get married to my BEST FRIEND
4.)  Live ONE day at a time...

Yep, I think those are reasonable...  Till next time my friends!

Pain Never Stops, Just Changes Over Time...

So I've had a handful of "normal days" back in Austin.  Things are slowly starting to slide back into the day to day flow.  Out of nowhere I will break out into tears, for a moment, then back to feeling like myself for a while.  I told Clay the other day (not sure if I've ever had a truer statement) "I keep waiting for it to stop hurting...  But I know it never will...  I will just hurt differently in time..."  

If for some reason you have NO idea what I'm talking about, I'll sum it up in a few sentences.  My grandfather passed away on November 29th.  I've heard it said that little girls often interpret their fathers as their first "higher power" or "God".  All knowing, powerful, invincible.  It has been said (at least to me) this is the main reason that girls look for a mate with similar qualities.  Well...  I don't know about the logistics of all of that...  What I do know, is that was my grandfather in my eyes.  What I do know, is that I WORSHIPED this man.  He was simply amazing.  And the world is colder now that he's gone home...

I had the beautiful opportunity to rush to the hospital to be with my grandmother, to say my peace with my grandfather hours after his passing.  Trust me, it did not FEEL beautiful at the time...  It barely feels that way now.  I had the opportunity to stay with my grandmother the majority of last week, to be apart of planning the last ceremony for a man that could move mountains in my mind.  What a GIFT...  I got to share at his funeral a mere fraction of the love that I had for this man...  I got to be with my family through the entire process, and I get to be with my grandmother through some difficult times ahead.  I get to be WITH my grandmother, not "there for her", with her...  She's a grown damn woman that is fully capable of taking care of herself, she does not NEED someone to coddle her, to babysit her, to monitor her...  She GETS to have someone to stand with her, to walk with her, to talk with her...  Does that make sense?  She simply amazes me, right along with my grandfather, she's always been like a second mother...

I don't assume that these words will do anything for anyone, but I have an overwhelming need to share them...  For me...  No one else...  

I'm a blessed woman.  Truly, through and through.  I have friends that at the word, drop everything to rush to my side.  I have family that comes together, no matter the circumstances.  I have a man, (oh lord, is there even enough room to write...) that loves me more than I ever thought was possible, more than I ever thought I was deserving of.  A man that has been so patient with me.  A man that didn't take any of my snideness to heart, that never berated me for my insane thought processes, that just loves me up when I need it the most...  

I've been pissed, I've been SUPER pissed off at the higher power in my life.  I know it's irrational, but it's there none-the-less...  I'll walk through it, hopefully with my head and heart in tact, and hopefully with some sort of dignity.  I haven't lost my faith, not just yet anyway 

I will close this with saying, life is not fun right now.  I'm breathing in and out, but I gotta be honest, I feel broken, simply broken...  It IS getting better, however!  I think every day it's a little easier to suit up and show up.  Christmas isn't going to be easy, I don't think.  I don't even want to think about the emotions that will be running wild on my wedding day...  But the good news is, at least for me, is that today is not Christmas, nor is it my wedding day.  All I have to do is walk through THIS 24 hours...  Hopefully, January's blog will find me in a happier place