If for some reason you have NO idea what I'm talking about, I'll sum it up in a few sentences. My grandfather passed away on November 29th. I've heard it said that little girls often interpret their fathers as their first "higher power" or "God". All knowing, powerful, invincible. It has been said (at least to me) this is the main reason that girls look for a mate with similar qualities. Well... I don't know about the logistics of all of that... What I do know, is that was my grandfather in my eyes. What I do know, is that I WORSHIPED this man. He was simply amazing. And the world is colder now that he's gone home...
I had the beautiful opportunity to rush to the hospital to be with my grandmother, to say my peace with my grandfather hours after his passing. Trust me, it did not FEEL beautiful at the time... It barely feels that way now. I had the opportunity to stay with my grandmother the majority of last week, to be apart of planning the last ceremony for a man that could move mountains in my mind. What a GIFT... I got to share at his funeral a mere fraction of the love that I had for this man... I got to be with my family through the entire process, and I get to be with my grandmother through some difficult times ahead. I get to be WITH my grandmother, not "there for her", with her... She's a grown damn woman that is fully capable of taking care of herself, she does not NEED someone to coddle her, to babysit her, to monitor her... She GETS to have someone to stand with her, to walk with her, to talk with her... Does that make sense? She simply amazes me, right along with my grandfather, she's always been like a second mother...
I don't assume that these words will do anything for anyone, but I have an overwhelming need to share them... For me... No one else...
I'm a blessed woman. Truly, through and through. I have friends that at the word, drop everything to rush to my side. I have family that comes together, no matter the circumstances. I have a man, (oh lord, is there even enough room to write...) that loves me more than I ever thought was possible, more than I ever thought I was deserving of. A man that has been so patient with me. A man that didn't take any of my snideness to heart, that never berated me for my insane thought processes, that just loves me up when I need it the most...
I've been pissed, I've been SUPER pissed off at the higher power in my life. I know it's irrational, but it's there none-the-less... I'll walk through it, hopefully with my head and heart in tact, and hopefully with some sort of dignity. I haven't lost my faith, not just yet anyway
I will close this with saying, life is not fun right now. I'm breathing in and out, but I gotta be honest, I feel broken, simply broken... It IS getting better, however! I think every day it's a little easier to suit up and show up. Christmas isn't going to be easy, I don't think. I don't even want to think about the emotions that will be running wild on my wedding day... But the good news is, at least for me, is that today is not Christmas, nor is it my wedding day. All I have to do is walk through THIS 24 hours... Hopefully, January's blog will find me in a happier place
