So I've had a handful of "normal days" back in Austin. Things are slowly starting to slide back into the day to day flow. Out of nowhere I will break out into tears, for a moment, then back to feeling like myself for a while. I told Clay the other day (not sure if I've ever had a truer statement) "I keep waiting for it to stop hurting... But I know it never will... I will just hurt differently in time..." If for some reason you have NO idea what I'm talking about, I'll sum it up in a few sentences. My grandfather passed away on November 29th. I've heard it said that little girls often interpret their fathers as their first "higher power" or "God". All knowing, powerful, invincible. It has been said (at least to me) this is the main reason that girls look for a mate with similar qualities. Well... I don't know about the logistics of all of that... What I do know, is that was my grandfather in my eyes. What I do know, is that I WORSHIPED this man. He was simply amazing. And the world is colder now that he's gone home...I had the beautiful opportunity to rush to the hospital to be with my grandmother, to say my peace with my grandfather hours after his passing. Trust me, it did not FEEL beautiful at the time... It barely feels that way now. I had the opportunity to stay with my grandmother the majority of last week, to be apart of planning the last ceremony for a man that could move mountains in my mind. What a GIFT... I got to share at his funeral a mere fraction of the love that I had for this man... I got to be with my family through the entire process, and I get to be with my grandmother through some difficult times ahead. I get to be WITH my grandmother, not "there for her", with her... She's a grown damn woman that is fully capable of taking care of herself, she does not NEED someone to coddle her, to babysit her, to monitor her... She GETS to have someone to stand with her, to walk with her, to talk with her... Does that make sense? She simply amazes me, right along with my grandfather, she's always been like a second mother...I don't assume that these words will do anything for anyone, but I have an overwhelming need to share them... For me... No one else... I'm a blessed woman. Truly, through and through. I have friends that at the word, drop everything to rush to my side. I have family that comes together, no matter the circumstances. I have a man, (oh lord, is there even enough room to write...) that loves me more than I ever thought was possible, more than I ever thought I was deserving of. A man that has been so patient with me. A man that didn't take any of my snideness to heart, that never berated me for my insane thought processes, that just loves me up when I need it the most... I've been pissed, I've been SUPER pissed off at the higher power in my life. I know it's irrational, but it's there none-the-less... I'll walk through it, hopefully with my head and heart in tact, and hopefully with some sort of dignity. I haven't lost my faith, not just yet anyway 
I will close this with saying, life is not fun right now. I'm breathing in and out, but I gotta be honest, I feel broken, simply broken... It IS getting better, however! I think every day it's a little easier to suit up and show up. Christmas isn't going to be easy, I don't think. I don't even want to think about the emotions that will be running wild on my wedding day... But the good news is, at least for me, is that today is not Christmas, nor is it my wedding day. All I have to do is walk through THIS 24 hours... Hopefully, January's blog will find me in a happier place 
As I walked up to the gym this morning, eyes glazed over with exhaustion, there was a sign that caught my attention. It read "KNOW that showing up is half the battle" Ya know... It's true... This small little statement can be threaded into every aspect of my life. The things that I think are so hard, financial insecurities being the biggest for me right now, aren't really that hard. What's hard is the resistance I give it. When I just show up and accept my life for EXACTLY the way it is right now, things get inevitably better... Being broke isn't really all that tough... Resisting being broke is... I don't know if any of that made any sense, but it was almost like an epiphany for me this morning. Showing up is half the battle, and all I have to show up for is one moment at a time... There's relief in that for me 
Well, somehow October flew right by me! It was definitely a busy month... Angela got married and Clay and I enjoyed our first "out of state vacation" together! It was SUCH a blessing to be able to stand with her on her day, and to know she'll be standing with me on mine... Mom came into town toward the end of October to interview for jobs. She landed one in San Antonio and will be moving there beginning of December! I'm actually going to be going up to Idaho to surprise her for her pinning ceremony! She's graduating from nursing school and has worked too hard for this opportunity to not embrace the full benefits!!! I'm excited to go up there since it's been almost 2 years since I've been there... Less than 6 months to go and I'll be a married woman! Clay and I found out that we got the park facility that we wanted for our ceremony and reception. I've started a few DIY projects. I've had some amazing blessings come my way with this whole wedding planning, it just blows my mind... I was talking to my boss a couple weeks ago and a piece of reality really sunk in... We were talking about the wedding and I shared with her that I didn't really get WHY I get to be so lucky... I get to marry my absolute very best-friend. I get to grow old with him... A girl like me doesn't deserve that... Truly... A girl like me doesn't earn "happily ever after" yet it's here... I can only imagine that it's by the grace of some power bigger than me out there that sees more in me than I could EVER see in myself. I'm just so damn lucky...Enough rambling for me, I must actually get some work done today 
Happy Thanksgiving, try to remember the true meaning of this holiday... Till next time!~ Me
Well, September is officially upon us... Getting down to 8 months till the wedding now... It's crazy!! Ang is getting married in 4 weeks. 4 WEEKS!!!!! I'm going to be in Idaho in less than 4 WEEKS! What a trip... I've been doing a lot of reflection lately... Thinking of my life a few years ago, comparing it to today. It truly feels like a foreign dream now. I have come SO far in the past 2 years. I have come so far from the girl I was, to the girl I am today. It feels like it was a completely different lifetime ago that I lived in Idaho. It's hard to believe it's only been 2 years... I guess that's good news though Last night and today Hurricane Ike has been plowing through Texas, causing havoc all along it's path... Although it didn't do any damage to Austin, it has ruined many cities, ripped apart many families, demolished many homes... It really puts things into perspective. The beginning of last week, I was obsessed with my money issues, with wedding items, with my dogs tearing up my furniture... Seems meager in comparison... These days I'm doing my best to stay in the now, rather than in the when... Clay always tells me that if I keep putting one foot in yesterday and one in tomorrow, I'm just pissing in today... Kind of a graphic description, but straight to the point none-the-less... It's easier said than done, but continuing progress is what it's all about!Till next month y'all!
I can't believe that it's the middle of August... We are less than 9 months out from our wedding, and it's becoming realer and realer by the day. Not really sure if that made any sense, but that's okay, cause it made sense to me!! I know that there are definitely higher powers working towards this wedding of ours, we've just had a plethora of good fortune come our way for there not to be! In the midst of it all, we are still able to go out and have a great time with friends. This past weekend, we went to Lake Travis for some fun in the sun. What an amazing day! We had a cookout, we had swimming, we had playing ~ what the heck could have made it better?!I just found out that my mother is coming to town at the end of October!!! She's coming to interview here in Austin!!!!! Man, that would be so awesome if she landed herself a job here, rather than Dallas or Houston or somewhere like that... Anyway, it'll be close to a year since I've seen her when she comes... I'm excited to take her through all the wedding stuff in person!! AND, we should also be getting the news on whether or not we get the place we want for the ceremony and reception while she's here!
I've been absolutely blessed to have two women come into my life that have blown me away. In the past month, I have seen both of them grow, and it's such an amazing opportunity to stand back and watch miracles... If you are getting the underlying message, then you know what I'm talking about. If you're not, I'm sorry Y'all... I never really knew that life could be the way it is today. Even though I still have some strong selfish moments, my perspective has done a complete 180. I'm annoyingly optimistic 
, I'm happy, I'm being of service in every way that I can, I'm attentive to the viewpoints of my fiancé, I'm accountable... Musta been something bigger than me to get me here...As always, thanks for coming on the journey along with me, be safe, give love, and keep breathing ~ best advice I've ever been given... Catch y'all again in another month!
When planning a trip, any kind, a seemingly calm perfectionist can often be classified as a raging bitch and basket case... I think that might be the unfortunate region I'm starting to cross over to... There's just too many damn options! I wish I could just say, look, X is how much I want to spend, Y is what I actually have to spend, now find me the perfect trip with the total Z being somewhere in the middle... OIY!!! Angela's getting married in 101 days... That's not very far away... I'm getting married in 317! Anyway, we are planning the trip (and by we I mean it's ME that's planning the trip for the two of us... but I'm sure you already knew that ) currently and even though I really want to be a cheap ass, I also don't want to wallow in rubbing alcohol to feel clean when leaving the hotel... Then there's the car rental... And with all the discount organizations I belong to, let's try to figure out WHICH coupon's going to save me the most money?! And of course, the flight... Do I get the tickets now? It's the lowest I've seen them... BUT what if they go even lower?! And what are we going to do to entertain us while we aren't playing the good "maid-of-honor and fiance" roles? What, I ask? WHAT?! Okay, maybe I exaggerated a tad... But it's just a lot to take in! Let alone try to think of what the heck we're going to do for our honeymoon... Right, let's not go there today... So I've officially been in my current position with work for over a year now... I'm supposed to be coming up for a review in a month or so... Life, for the most part, is pretty easy lately. We've had people come into town, we've gone out of town, we've had birthdays galore, we've spent time in the sun, we've spent time in front of the tv, we've spent time together, we've spent time apart... And life is just a-rollin right along! Clay celebrated 4 years on June 14th. I swear to you, I'm so absolutely proud to be his, to be able to say I'm going to be his wife... Truly amazing... Must get back to this thing they call a job, but I'll catch y'all again in a month!
So... I'm sitting here at work (yes, not working...) in complete awe and amazement and disbelief at an event that's being planned right now... I'm getting married... What a freaking TRIP! I mean I know I've been engaged for 6 or so months now, but I guess it's just now becoming real to me. I'm going to go buy my wedding dress today! The blessings (God moments as I like to call them ) just keep rollin on in... I think the thing I'm the most excited about has got be becoming Clay's wife... So... Here I sit, with all these different ideas running though my head, and they expect me to work!! I sure hope they don't fire me before this is all said and done hahaMs. El and lil Jason came for their 2 week stay in good ole Austin, Texas. We had so much fun, did so many things... We went swimming, and walked around Town Lake, and saw the bats fly from the Congress St. Bridge, and went to San Antonio, and saw the Alamo, and went to Sea World, and went shopping, and went to parks... Oiy, the list goes on and on... It was really great having her here, sad to see her go... And her baby could NOT be any cuter, I swear it!!!Birthday was a blast, the San Antonio adventure turned out amazingly... Clay truly treats me like a princess... We did exactly what I wanted, when I wanted, how (mostly ) I wanted... He's too much for me... I don't know how I got lucky enough to have him in my life -- thank you baby, thank you for everything!Well, I tried to keep the blog as short as possible, seeing how my last few have been forever long... I'm proud to say that I'm actually making some progress in all areas of my life: wedding, relationship with my fiance, realationships in general, but most of all with myself... This past month has really presented me with the beautiful opportunity to take a look at me, and the actions I take, and it makes me strive even harder to get closer to the higher power in my life. I'm blessed, end of story...
Wow, I can NOT believe it's already the 20th of May. I usually get my blog written in the first week ~ dang, I've been slackin! Okay, well, let's run down everything that's going on in my life... First and foremost, my cousin is officially hitched!! The day of the wedding was interesting to say the least, but it went off with only a few hitches MY gracious contribution to the festivities included (but was not limited to) eating shit down a flight of stairs, WHILE carrying the flowers for my family, right before we all walked down the aisle... I came away with some scrapes, my leg bleeding, my panty-hose ran, my ego taking another blasting... But the most amazing part was that I didn't get completely upset and make the rest of the day about me... HUGE progress... During the day, (have I ever mentioned how fantastic my man is??) Clay hung out with my grandparents, helped them get around, tied my grandfather's tie, kept them company. He did this for several reasons, 1. he wanted to, 2. I wanted him to, 3. he enjoys being with them, 4. cause I couldn't be the one to do it... My grandparents fell in love with him that day. They called me up about a week later and told me they wanted to come stay with us for a weekend -- HUGE -- that they wanted to hang out with just us... One word: Beautiful... They will be coming over Father's Day weekend and I simply can't wait!!We have an amazing, sometimes frustrating, addition to our home and lives. Her name is Abigail (Abby) and we just adore her to pieces! She does have a terrible habit of tearing things up (like carpet for instance...), but when she's sweet, she can just melt your damn heart! She, too, is a beagle. She has brought a new life to Toby. They compliment each other so very well -- they look just alike! Clay and I take them on walks with their color coordinated collars and leashes... Seriously, it feels like our family unit is complete now that she's with us...Clay and I had an amazing opportunity to go to another conference in Hunt, Texas. This was a "reunion" conference, and the folks from Austin always rent out the YMCA camp for the weekend. We were shacked up in bunk beds, swimming in the river (although the water was FREEZING), eating smores, keeping warm by the bonfire, and all the while, hanging out with some of our closest friends. The people we went with had been before, so we were the newbies. But everyone was completely gracious and welcomed us with open arms. It was an experience I couldn't/wouldn't trade...Last Thursday, Clay and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary. We didn't really know what day to go from since we had a lot of "firsts" spread out over a period of time, so we went with the first time Clay asked me out. Even though I said no, we spent everyday since then together... His present still hasn't gotten here, so I can't tell ya what I got him just yet . He got me a membership at Gold's Gym and a certificate to get a mani/pedi. He knows the way to my heart for sure! haha We had a pretty low key evening, just went to dinner at Mimi's Cafe. The amazing part of this day (at least for me) was not that there were presents, not that we had some lavish celebration, but simply that I had spent a whole year having a REAL relationship. I have been in "serious" relationships before, but nothing compares to the relationship I have with Clay. As I have said before, I think that in the previous ones, we did the best we knew how to do with the knowledge of relationships we had at the time. And that applies to this relationship as well -- the difference is is that we are continuing to grow, to WANT to grow, with one another, individually as well as a couple. He IS my soul's mate, this I know...Okay, blog has gotten HUGE, so just a couple things to run down: *One of my best-friends is coming to Texas to visit me. I simply can not WAIT for her to arrive. I've been needing this for some time now and am overwhelmed with joy at her arrival*A great friend started working with me. This has been a huge blessing in my day to day life. It's actually a LOT more fun to get up and come to work, a lot more to look forward to haha*I attended my first "Crawfish Boil" It was so much fun! OOOhhh and I didn't get wasted... Weird...In reflection over this blog, it is my opinion that I have a great amount of huge blessings in my life. The greatest blessing of them all is that they come in small packages -- sometimes hard to see until you step back and look... My life kicks some serious ass -- I'm really glad I get to be me today, rather than wanting to be someone/anyone else... Thanks, again and always, for coming along on my rides with me! Birthday's comin up around the corner so I'm sure there'll be another blog before we know it!Till next month!!!
Current mood:
blessed
Enough of that... Well, April sure has arrived! In exactly 12 days, I will have a new cousin/sister-in-law!! Before you get off on some hillbilly tangent, I’m not an inbred fool. My cousin and I grew up with one another, he’s always been just as close to me as a brother (or what my perception of a brother would be seeing how I certainly don’t have one of those...) Anyway, he’s marrying his best-friend on the 22nd. They are completely a match made in heaven! I’m so very excited to welcome her into the family with open arms full of love... I’m very honered to be able to report that I will be a bridesmaid in this wedding -- what a blessing! We went out for her bachelorette party and I was actually the DD!!! Can you believe it?! We had so much fun, went to Gruene, Texas, ate some bomb-diggity food, and saw the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band live! The best part of all of that was being able to suit up and show up for a very close person in my life... Completely letting her enjoy herself and not have to worry about who was going to drive, or how she was going to get home... It’s times like that that I truly realize the blessings of me getting sober... One last shout out for them, "To Robert and Kaitlin, I only wish the happiest of times for the ones that held my hand when I was at my utmost unhappiest of times... I loved you then, I love you now, and I will love you forever and ever "It’s funny how a person’s outlook can change over the years, over months, even over a weekend. I went to a conference last weekend. While I was there I kept hearing, "This experience will change your life!" I totally wasn’t prepared for the emotional tidalwave that was about to crash down on my world... But, somehow, I came out of it with my head held high, with a new perspective on life. It’s very easy for me to get bogged down with the bullshit that comes with being an adult. Mostly... Money... Oiy! I can become this crazed woman with only one thing on my mind... The biggest thing I learned from this past weekend is that God, the program, Clay, Toby... THOSE are the important things in my life! I have to make sure those things are taken care of before anything else... I guess what I’m trying to say is that I, like a lot of people, have lost folks in my life FAR too early. I really realized that I live in today, not tomorrow, not yesterday. Now... What I do in today filters over into tomorrow and the next and the next... Therefore, I need today to be the best it can be, with respect to everything in it. Especially the things that are the most important! I came home with this new perspective and the first thing Clay wanted to talk to me about was money and bills. I told him, "Just for right now, possibly for the whole day, I don’t want to talk about that. We’re okay, we’re going to be okay. We’re going to pay everyone we can, and figure the other stuff out when it comes up. We don’t have any more money than we have, so let’s not fret about it... I have no idea how long I will feel this way so you better embrace it! I missed you..." He looked at me as though I was an alien!!! 
Ha ha ha... Anyway, things are just beautiful and fantastic. I’m so happy to be alive, and so grateful for each day that I get to wake up instead of coming to 
As always, thanks for reading and coming along with me on my journeys each month. Growing up is a hard job, but is something we all must do. Thanks for growing with me!
Current mood:
peaceful
Current mood:
excited
Current mood:
excited
He grabbed my right hand, I informed him that was the wrong hand, then he gracefully slid my beautiful engagement ring on...I'm so happy! Although going from "girlfriend" which I know, which I'm comfortable with to "fiance" in a matter of seconds is mildly overwhelming, I'm getting used to it So here we are at 2008. It's a new year. I am beginning my new life. And I have a new title of "fiance" I'm very much looking forward to the year ahead... I'm very grateful for 2007. I gained so much last year, it could hardly be put into words... I'm so happy for all the people that I've met and for all the friends I've gained. If 2008 is anywhere close to 2007, I'm in for a hell of a ride!!!
